Rodents

Whether its fair or not, there is a hierarchy of rodents in this world. Some are deemed more worthy than others. Certain rodents are considered expendable. We even have professionals who specialize in the extermination of these rodents. Take the rat, for example. If you ever saw one in your house, you'd probably take some steps that would ultimately result in its death. You might set traps, or call in a specialist who would take care of the problem for you. Very few people ever look at rats and think to themselves, "What a cute little rat that is!"

I live in Squirrelville. There are ground squirrels in every open field and in every park in town. They can be seen by the hundreds in school yards and greenbelts, but no one ever seems to chop their heads off with a shovel. That's because squirrels rate higher on the rodent hierarchy than rats.  Squirrels are cute and rats are ugly. That's all there is to it. 

Chipmunks rate even higher than squirrels. We esteem chipmunks so highly that we have even made movies about them and let a few record a Christmas album. No one ever screams and runs away when they see a chimpunk. They stop and watch it as it nibbles on a nut and stuffs its cheeks full. 

Going back to the other end of the spectrum we have a Southern California favorite - the infamous gopher. They don't rate too high on the cute scale. That may be because they are so destructive that no one would like them even if they were cute, so God decided to make them easier to hate by making them ugly. 

I got to get to know one of these not-so-cute rodents the other day. We knew he was in our yard shortly after our suburban homeschool kids planted the obligatory homeschool garden. First it was a missing strawberry plant. Then is was a series of mystery mounds that popped up around it.  Then another strawberry plant turned up missing. We got even more curious when none of the seeds we had planted even sprouted. Fortunately none of this took place anywhere near my lawn, so I decided to let the little guy have a few days of fun before I hunted him down. 

But eventually, his time came. For this particular hunt, I chose the hose method and flooded the little guy out into the open. A small handful of my kids were there watching this real-life homeschool lesson unfold. Buttercup, one of the cats, even seemed intrigued by the prospect of catching a gopher, but she soon got bored and wandered off. 

As soon as Mr. Gopher succumbed to the subterranean flood and emerged from beneath the soil, the kids started screaming and running in all sorts of directions. Remember, had this been a chipmunk, no one would have screamed or run in any direction. Mixed in with the screams I heard multiple kids shouting, "Go get Butter!" and "Where's Buttercup?" 

"Wait a minute," I thought to myself. "I'm the dad. Aren't dad's supposed to protect their children from vicious critters?" Why were my children calling on a cat to save them, when I was right there? Before I go on, I have to confess something. I've never killed a gopher before. Or a rat, or even a mouse. I helped thin out an overly large rabbit population once, but that was with a pellet gun from 50 feet away. This was different. This was hand to hand combat. No guns, just a man and a gopher. And I hadn't really devised a plan ahead of time. I just assumed the water-in-the-hole trick would either drown the guy out or scare him into the neighbor's yard. I never planned to actually see the gopher. 

So when he popped out and started running around the garden, I was a bit surprised. When my kids started calling for the cat to save the day, however, I decided right then and there that it was time to man up and take care of business. No cat was going to do this dad's job. And so I did what I had to do before the cat even knew the gopher had come out to play. 

Now I can sleep peacefully at night knowing that, although the garden may be barren, it is safe to fail another day.