Manners

There are many lessons we try to impart to our children as they grow older. Some stick the first time and others take a little more repetition before they are fully refined. Lessons involving manners are of utmost importance because they are a direct reflection on a parent's ability to raise a child.

My oldest son recently joined the cub scouts. At our meeting tonight, I was delighted to hear that the topic of discussion for the evening was about manners. Specifically, the boys had to learn how to introduce a friend to someone new. Along with that we worked on shaking hands with a firm grip and making eye contact. Each of the boys took turns shaking my hand and practicing saying, "It's nice to meet you."

My son is brilliant, but social skills are not always his forte. Fortunately things were easy on him tonight since his dad was the one playing the part of the new guy, but the real test came later just as we pulled into the garage and were getting out of the car.

Stanley lives a few houses down. He's in his sixties, but suffered a brain injury when he was young and never returned to his previous state. He lives with his elderly dad and likes to take walks around the neighborhood. He saw us pull in and wanted to stop and talk for a minute. As I was standing in the driveway talking to Stan, he said, "Hey, I want to meet your son." He's met Zach before, but I immediately realized the opportunity that had just been presented and decided to go along with it.

I called Zach over and said, "Zach, this is Stanley," just like we had practiced at cub scouts. Of course, Zach remembered the routine, but he had a slight problem. Glancing down at his fingers, he realized that it would be inappropriate to shake someone's hand with orange Cheeto dust all over his finger tips. Being a typical eight-year-old, he did what any boy in his position would do. He licked his fingers and took hold of the outstretched hand. And Stanley didn't flinch.

Next week's cub scout lesson: How to make better use of a pair of jeans when meeting someone new.

Pants

There are many things that I do everyday. My repetitive daily tasks span a very broad spectrum of colorful duties. There are, of course, the mundane things like waking up and brushing my teeth. There are also, the more complicated tasks such as reading and responding to countless e-mails that flood my in-box throughout the day. Some daily duties are pleasant while others -- well, not so much. 

Today I spent some time pondering one of life's daily necessities: putting on my pants. What really stood out to me was the design of my pants. I really don't know if women's pants are as absurdly designed as men's but if you are of the female variety, you may want to check. The issue I have with my trousers is this: Why must there be three different places for me to fasten them around my waist in order to prevent them from falling off? The next time you put on a pair of slacks take a look and you will see what I am talking about. 

The first button is hidden inside the pants on the front left side. In order to secure this fastener, the wearer of the britches must grasp the material from the right side of the fly, find the button hole, then pull said material to the left of the fly and slip it around the button that has been sewn to the inside of the pants. Keep in mind that this complicated maneuver is for a button that will never be seen and will only serve to impede access to vital areas when nature is calling following a large Diet Coke at lunch. If is sounds complicated, just wait. This is only the beginning. 

Step two for a man of my position to find himself firmly established in his trousers is to attach the hidden hook-like fastener over the small flat bracket. Most of you are familiar with this step. The fastener to which I am referring contains one small, flat silver hook on the left and a small flat bracket on the right. It is a simple maneuver, however, it still requires the use of two hands. Keep in mind, though, that at this point, with the exception of the open fly, your pants are already fastened in such as way as to hide any colorful undergarments and prevent the pants from succumbing to the pull of gravity.

Whoever invented step three must have had some embarrassing moments in life that led to the thinking that this was a necessary evil. Perhaps pants of long ago were stretchier than they are now and men needed extra fasteners. Or perhaps men's bodies were shaped differently. Regardless, step three appears to be here to stay. It involves the excess flappy thing that remains dangling from the front of the pants after step two is complete. This excess flap must then be buttoned off-center on the right side in order to complete the task. 

Once the fly is up and my trousers have been sufficiently secured one can begin to ponder the next step. Since two of the three fasteners and the zipper are completely hidden from view, they clearly have no fashion purpose. However, the third fastener, the off center one, remains in full view, although it serves no functional purpose. This problem must be addressed through the installation of a purely aesthetic belt. Clearly the belt has no functional purpose either since the pants have already been secured into place through the use of multiple layers of security. Despite its lack of functionality, most men would not dare step foot out the door without the aesthetic belt. 

Once my pants are locked up tighter than a hotel door, the rest of the day must be spent avoiding any snacks or beverages that might necessitate the calling of a locksmith to help me gain access to critical areas should an emergency arrive. A wise man in slacks, plans his day so as to allow time to reverse the security process, take care of whatever personal business is of pressing importance, then reinitiate the lock-up sequence. If he is busy, he may even schedule a break on his calendar to ensure that he doesn't miss the opportunity before stepping into an important meeting. The even wiser man, has an alarm on his iPhone, just in case. 

Now, if only I had an iPhone. 

The Chipotle Test

The United States has often been referred to as a melting pot of various cultures. Southern California's primary contribution has been that of the Mexican variety. Along with that south-of-the-border influence has come something that every culture needs: Mexican food.

I have never actually sampled the Mexican cuisine of, say, Wisconsin, but I can only imagine that it is not the authentic variety that is available in the border states. Good Mexican food can't be found in a national chain restaurant. If you want the fullness of the Mexican flavor palette, you have to find a local establishment that is owned by a genuine Mexican.

A few years ago a new chain restaurant moved into town. With a name like Chipotle, it sounded Mexican enough, however, I was immediately skeptical. As any connoisseur of Mexican cuisine knows, a Mexican restaurant must have one of the "big four" words in its name: "los," "las," "el," or "la." Absent those articles, Mexican food cannot exist. As I ventured inside Chipotle (not even El Chipotle) shortly after its grand opening, I immediately noticed two things. Thing one: the decor. Thing two: the music.

The inside of the restaurant is modern industrialist. No sombreros, no burros, no colorful blankets or festive scenes. Don't get me wrong, it was very trendy, but Mexican food is not known for being trendy. It is known for being steeped in tradition. Sorry, Chipotle, on the tradition scale you score a zero.

The music was equally modern and, horror of horrors, it was in English. If I want English music I will go to a burger joint. I expect authentic Mexican cuisine to be accompanied by equally authentic Mexican music. I want those big, fat guitars and trumpets and an occasional "Ayyyyy-yii-yii-yiii!"

Despite the fact that Chipotle serves tacos and burritos and uses words like "carne asada" and "carnitas," they are not Mexican. The most damning proof of this lies in one simple fact: they make you pay for tortilla chips and they charge extra for salsa! Mexican culture is hospitable by nature. No true Mexican would ever dream of charging a guest for chips and salsa. That would violate the traditions of their culture.

While Chipotle serves decent food, don't let it fool you. It is as American as Taco Bell and McDonalds. If you want good, fast Mexican food, find a place that has one of the big four in its name. Then evaluate the decor, music, and price of chips.