Pants

There are many things that I do everyday. My repetitive daily tasks span a very broad spectrum of colorful duties. There are, of course, the mundane things like waking up and brushing my teeth. There are also, the more complicated tasks such as reading and responding to countless e-mails that flood my in-box throughout the day. Some daily duties are pleasant while others -- well, not so much. 

Today I spent some time pondering one of life's daily necessities: putting on my pants. What really stood out to me was the design of my pants. I really don't know if women's pants are as absurdly designed as men's but if you are of the female variety, you may want to check. The issue I have with my trousers is this: Why must there be three different places for me to fasten them around my waist in order to prevent them from falling off? The next time you put on a pair of slacks take a look and you will see what I am talking about. 

The first button is hidden inside the pants on the front left side. In order to secure this fastener, the wearer of the britches must grasp the material from the right side of the fly, find the button hole, then pull said material to the left of the fly and slip it around the button that has been sewn to the inside of the pants. Keep in mind that this complicated maneuver is for a button that will never be seen and will only serve to impede access to vital areas when nature is calling following a large Diet Coke at lunch. If is sounds complicated, just wait. This is only the beginning. 

Step two for a man of my position to find himself firmly established in his trousers is to attach the hidden hook-like fastener over the small flat bracket. Most of you are familiar with this step. The fastener to which I am referring contains one small, flat silver hook on the left and a small flat bracket on the right. It is a simple maneuver, however, it still requires the use of two hands. Keep in mind, though, that at this point, with the exception of the open fly, your pants are already fastened in such as way as to hide any colorful undergarments and prevent the pants from succumbing to the pull of gravity.

Whoever invented step three must have had some embarrassing moments in life that led to the thinking that this was a necessary evil. Perhaps pants of long ago were stretchier than they are now and men needed extra fasteners. Or perhaps men's bodies were shaped differently. Regardless, step three appears to be here to stay. It involves the excess flappy thing that remains dangling from the front of the pants after step two is complete. This excess flap must then be buttoned off-center on the right side in order to complete the task. 

Once the fly is up and my trousers have been sufficiently secured one can begin to ponder the next step. Since two of the three fasteners and the zipper are completely hidden from view, they clearly have no fashion purpose. However, the third fastener, the off center one, remains in full view, although it serves no functional purpose. This problem must be addressed through the installation of a purely aesthetic belt. Clearly the belt has no functional purpose either since the pants have already been secured into place through the use of multiple layers of security. Despite its lack of functionality, most men would not dare step foot out the door without the aesthetic belt. 

Once my pants are locked up tighter than a hotel door, the rest of the day must be spent avoiding any snacks or beverages that might necessitate the calling of a locksmith to help me gain access to critical areas should an emergency arrive. A wise man in slacks, plans his day so as to allow time to reverse the security process, take care of whatever personal business is of pressing importance, then reinitiate the lock-up sequence. If he is busy, he may even schedule a break on his calendar to ensure that he doesn't miss the opportunity before stepping into an important meeting. The even wiser man, has an alarm on his iPhone, just in case. 

Now, if only I had an iPhone.