Years ago before we were married, I made a conscious decision to love my wife. Prior to that exact moment, I was confused about my feelings toward her. Though we had been dating for several months, there was a part of me that thought she was perfect and yet another part of me wasn’t so sure. I felt torn by my own indecision until one day I couldn’t help but realize that she was everything I was looking for. It was at a very specific defining moment that I decided to love her no matter what. Just over one year from that day we were married and I have never looked back.
The important detail here is that my love for my wife was not an instantaneous event. It didn’t start with a switch. Rather it came to fruition over a period of time. It grew (and continues to grow) on me as I daily commit myself to loving her.
Ours is not a dramatic love story, but we are committed to loving each other forever. It is that kind of commitment that seems so fleeting today. Divorce and single parenthood are now the norm. This sad reality was made apparent to me the other day as I sat in a meeting with a mom and another educational professional. The purpose of our meeting was to exit a student from a special education program due to his tremendous progress. As the meeting unfolded, a picture of this student was painted depicting him as a model student who worked hard to overcome adversity. The tone was overwhelmingly positive as the mom beamed with pride for her son.
Toward the end of the meeting, the mom smiled as she announced that her son had not seen his father in over a year and that he would get to spend two weeks with him this summer. Upon hearing this, the other educational professional in the room smiled and in the warmest, most sincere voice said, “That is so great.”
As soon as she said that, I felt a knot appear in my stomach and I wanted to jump out of my seat and shout out, “No! You’re wrong! That’s not great! It’s a horrible, horrible tragedy!” Divorce and awful parenting have become so normal in our society that we now view it as “great” when a child gets to see his dad for two weeks every other year.
The truth is that kids need the firmness of a father and the nurturing love of a mother. They need the fun that dad brings to the family and the routine that mom provides. Kids need a balanced perspective that can only come from two people who have a common goal seen from a different point of view.
Many absent parents today assume the role of coach rather than parent. A parent is present in the home and models life for his children. A coach meets with a child at a specified time to teach a specific skill. Parents show their children how to maintain a loving relationship throughout the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of life. Coaches discuss issues and try to prepare their team for the unknown, but can’t quite replicate reality. Parents respond immediately to issues, coaches respond at the next scheduled practice.
The greatest tragedy of our time is not that parents are divorcing. The greatest tragedy of our time is that we view the tragedy of divorce as normal. The shame of divorce is gone, replaced instead by a new normality. We now think it is great that a child gets to spend two weeks with his dad over the summer. We cheer when parents work out a 50/50 split of their children following the divorce because “It’s for the best.” Tragedies do happen, but they should be the exception, not the norm.
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