Manly Onesies

If you know what a onesie is, odds are you are either a father or a woman. Men who have no kids, don’t know what these contraptions are, primarily because onesies in and of themselves are not particularly manly. For those men out there who still cling to their manhood, let me define the term onesie for you. A onesie is a baby t-shirt that snaps together between the legs to help hold the shirt in place while simultaneously concealing the diaper. Ahhh, now you understand, don’t you? You have most likely seen such a thing, but you just didn’t know that there was such a feminine sounding name for an article of clothing that can be worn by anyone in the male cluster of society. Understand that this term was probably coined by a woman who was enamored with the idea that one thing could do the job of two. (Kinda like she may be enamored with a husband who can both pick up his chonies and close the toilet seat on the same day.)

Needless to say, the onesie is about the most feminine thing a baby boy can wear, but it is still commonly accepted by the great majority of motherhood. This bit of background leads us to a comment my wife made to me yesterday. After returning from a day-long shopping trip with her mom, my wife was showing me some of the purchases she had made for the new baby. The first item to make its way down the home fashion runway was a pair of light blue pajamas with the phrase, “I love my mom” emblazoned on the front. “Look!” my sweet wife exclaimed. “It has a zipper and no buttons.” She had a point there. Have you ever tried to button all 12 buttons on a pair of infant PJs? That alone is the main reason parents are up all night.

Regardless of the zipper, I still wanted something manly for my son. Knowing this, the next item my wife produced was another set of pajamas, only these were pinstriped and resembled a baseball uniform. The team name on the front said “Dad’s Team.”

“Now that’s more like it,” I said. Then I leaned in for a closer look. “What does it say in that little blue circle,” I wondered aloud. With my eyes slightly squinted, I read the little logo and was disappointed to find that right after the words “Dad’s Team” in fine print were the words “Approved by mom.” “What is this world coming too?” I asked. “Even the manly PJs have to be approved by mom? Where are the men?”

“Don’t worry honey,” my wife said trying to reassure me. “My mom got him a onesie, but she made sure it was a manly one.”

“She did what?” I stammered.

“She got him a manly onesie,” she replied. Does such a thing exist, I thought to myself. So I decided to find out.

“Would I look manly if I showed up at a construction site with no pants and my manly flannel shirt pinned together in the crotch? Does any onesie look manly? Did I just say the word onesie out loud?” My mind was swirling trying to absorb the fact that I lived in a society that thought a onesie could be made manly. Why let it stop at babies? Why not have manly toddler onesies and manly third grader onesies?

“That’s it!” I said to myself. “I’ll start a line of clothing for men called “Workplace Onesies.” We can have special onesies for men of all professions. Suits are too expensive anyway and with the price of gas lately, we need to save money. Who wouldn’t appreciate a dentist with no pants and his lab coat fastened safely between his legs? Or maybe a lawyer whose perfectly tanned legs extended out from the Oxford Onesie? What about the orange Home Depot Apron Onesie? The possibilities are endless.

Now that I am looking to start a business, does anyone out there know how to sew?