Coke Man

Has someone at work ever annoyed you to point that you desperately wanted to get even, but you knew that if you did you would probably get fired? I think that happened at my work a few weeks ago. I say “I think” because the offended party only shows up about once a month, so it’s hard to get to know him. Actually, he is not even an employee. He’s more like a contractor who specializes in employee job satisfaction and when he gets mad, everyone gets mad.

In order to understand this story, I must stop for a moment and give you a brief overview of this contractor’s job description: Fill the Coke machine with drinks. It may seem like a simple task, but it is absolutely crucial to the ongoing work that takes place at a public school. Imagine what a teacher would be like without a shot of caffeine at 7:30 in the morning. Or what about the teacher who needs that Diet Coke in order to make it through the afternoon without a splitting headache? There are a lot of important machines in a school office. We all rely on the copy machine, the laminator, the fax machine, the die cut machine, and, of course, our computers, but none of these machines is nearly as important as the Coke machine. It is the lifeblood of the campus. Without it, innocent and guilty students would be unnecessarily placed in harm’s way.

Now you can see the power that is vested in the position of Coke Man. Coke Man has control over the fate of 800+ kindergarten through fifth grade students. Now you understand why I said that if the Coke Man is mad, everyone is mad. And the other day, it happened.

I am only speculating here, as I have not yet interviewed Coke Man, but I think my suspicions are correct. The day before Coke Man’s last visit, I noticed that there were two post-it notes on the front of the machine. Both notes indicated that the machine had somehow cheated the patrons out of some money. The notes were meant to be an indicator to Coke Man that he needed to submit the requested funds to the school secretary who would then reimburse the victimized parties.

Coke Man must have been at the wrong point of his male cycle that day, because he didn’t find any humor in the notes. “Those greedy, whiney teachers,” he must have mumbled to himself. “I’ll show them.” And he did just that. I am sure that the inside of the machine is very clearly marked so that Coke Man knows exactly which racks hold the Coke and which racks hold the Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, Cherry Coke, and Water. This was a premeditated act of vandalism, because he knew exactly what he was doing. As he stared at the markings on the racks, a smile must have crept across his face. He then placed one can of Diet Coke in the Coke rack, just to be funny. Ooooh. It felt good, so he did it again, only this time placing a can of Dr. Pepper in the Cherry Coke slot. Like a weak man fighting an addiction, he was sucked into his game of deception and continued filling the machine with random cans until his laughter was bursting forth from his offended soul. “I am victorious!” he must have shouted as he closed and locked the door on the front of the machine. Before anyone had a chance to see what he had done, Coke Man slithered out of the office, returned to the safety of his truck, and sped away.

Oh, the chaos that ensued. Teachers were trading, begging, and bargaining with each other in order to get the drink that they so desperately needed. I knew the problem had to get fixed before someone turned the Coke machine into a slot machine and drained every last drop from it. “Call the Coke Man!” I shouted. “It’s an emergency!” And just like the well-oiled machine that he is, he promptly reported to the campus...at the end of the month to check his machine. Finding it free of notes from greedy, whiney teachers, he then refilled it, carefully placing each drink in the appropriate slot. Each drink, that is, except for maybe one or two.