Shallow Bowls

There are two kinds of cereal bowls in this world: narrow deep bowls and broad shallow bowls. They both serve a purpose and can be a great addition to any household kitchen line up. To the true connoisseur of fine cereal, however, only one can provide the dining experience that is necessary when feasting on the most exquisite of flakes.

Let’s start by investigating the anatomy of a shallow bowl. Shallow bowls are by their very nature, shallow. Aside from yourself, think of a shallow person that you know. Is he fun to be with? Is she caring and giving? Can you rely on him? If you apply these questions to the shallow bowl, the answer is a resounding, no. Shallow bowls are not fun to be with. Have you ever tried plunging your spoon into a shallow bowl anticipating a milky scoop of flakey delight only to have your utensil strike the bottom of the bowl with nothing more than a useless drop of milk resting in its cradle? That is not fun, it’s shallow. Let’s look at the next question. Is a shallow bowl caring and giving? Again, the answer can only be, no. Shallow bowls are stingy. They try to look generous by spreading your cereal over a wide area, but they lack depth. Given their shallow nature, these bowls make cereal extrication quite difficult. They do all that they can to retain your Cocoa Puffs for their own benefit. And when the milk does finally turn into a perfect consistency of chocolate soup, the bowl is too shallow for the average cereal consumer to fill the spoon because the spoon is actually deeper than the bowl.

Pretend with me for a minute that you were actually successful in getting every puff out of the bowl. By this point you are exhausted and, no doubt, thirsty. The milky concoction at the bottom of the bowl is calling your name. You know that your spoon will never succeed in removing all of it; the bowl is just too shallow. The only way to quench your thirst is to raise the wide brimmed bowl to your lips ad drink. As you begin to pour the milk into your parched throat, the bowl taunts you by sending milk all the way around the bottom portion of the oversized brim. It is so wide it begins to drip down the corners of your mouth and onto your shirt. The wise shallow bowl affectionado (yes, there are a few out there) will always eat breakfast before showering. That way the milky mess can be rinsed off quite easily.

As for the question about reliability, shallow bowls actually rate quite high. A shallow bowl will always come through for you if you are wishing to play a practical joke on your friend. “Here, drink this delicious milk,” you might say as you sit back and watch it dribble down his clean shirt. Or perhaps you want to annoy an ex-friend. Offer him a shallow bowl of cereal and watch him struggle to get a milky scoop. It works every time.

I think my opinion on shallow bowls is clear. Let’s turn our attention toward the cereal bowl of Mr. Kellogg’s own choosing: the deep bowl. Deep bowls are fun to be with. They can provide hours of entertainment ranging from a haircutting guide for young children to a tool for forming sand castles. I even use an old one to clean the ashes out of my barbecue. These bowls are the most generous of cereal bowls. Their deep interior allows your spoon to plunge beneath the surface of the milk and flakes and, as you raise it to your lips, drops of milk splash back into the bowl, its generosity overflowing. Each bite is a perfect mixture of milkiness and flakiness, just the way Mr. Kellogg envisioned when he invented cereal back in the late 1800s. And reliability? Deep bowls are the most reliable of all cereal bowls. Their narrow brim allows the milk to pour neatly into your mouth without spreading out to the far corners and dribbling onto your favorite shirt. We deep bowl fans proudly shower before eating our cereal, for we have nothing to fear.

Our country was founded on the principles of democracy and as such, every bowl has rights. As long as there are people in this world who still cling to the shallow bowl, shallow bowls will persevere. It is up to us, the deep bowl lovers of the world, to spread our message and do all we can to influence others that there is a better way. Because together we can change the world.